We thought we were safe with the small one. He has this way of making you think he is innocent but don't be fooled. He is his brothers clone.
You see for the first year of a babies life they are lying to you. Babies know what they're doing. They're making you all goody and soft on the inside. Not that pregnancy and childbirth wasn't enough to make us emotional saps, they have to be cute too. All their coos and giggles. Don't forget all those "firsts" they go through in one year. Oh they know what they're doing alright. So why am I so paranoid about my child's secret missions? Let's get started.
About a week ago or more. It's probably more the holidays make me very confused about time and space. Anyway about more than a week ago we were sick (also why I'm confused on time) like not just kind of sick. We were really really sick. All of us were not able to hold anything down for at least 2 days. That kind of sick where you are sore when you're done throwing up that you just lay there on the couch like a slug. Yup that was me. If you don't know already but when you're a parent and you get sick...nobody cares. Seriously though I miss the days when my mommy would bring me soup to my make shift bed on the couch and I would study shows like Sally, Maury, and of course Jerry to learn how not to screw up my life. So back to story. We were sick and it was awful. On this day I am speaking of we were slightly feeling better.
The boys were starting to get better and Steven was able to go to work. I dressed the boys in cozy pjs and made them their very own make shift beds on the couches. Then I curled up on my end of the couch and proceeded to let them watch whatever they wanted. Fast forward after a marvelous nap time and a lunch consisting of crackers and water. It's about 3pm when I think to myself "hmmm Eli hasn't pooped today. His body must be pretty drai...." I was cut off by Zack saying "EWWW....MOM!!! Eli made a poopoo on his back!" I was officially scared to even look but I did and it was only partially up his back. To mom that's a huge deal. So I got saddled up and ready to change a poop; I had new comfy pjs, a diaper, and all I needed was wipes. Then i realized we had used up all the wipes the night before to clean Eli's explosive poo up his back. Now I was in panic mode. Wipes, wipes, wipes....where we're they? I tore apart the house in search for wipes when I remembered that I carry a pack in my car. Yippee!
This is where the story gets interesting. I put on my boots because no other shoe goes quite as well with my mid thigh t shirt nightgown fully decked with flamingos on the front ( thanks grandma it's still my favorite) and no pants. Hey! I was opting for comfort and nothing says comfort like no pants. Can you really blame me? So I put on a grey tattered sweat shirt and went outside. Of course Zack followed in his underwear. Where did his comfy pjs go? "Zack get inside right now!" I barely made it to my car when I heard a very familiar "click."
ZACK LOCKED ME OUT!!!! I ran to my door only to find Zack standing there shivering. I tried the door and it was for sure locked. The bottom lock to be exact. I grabbed Zack and found him a jacket in the car and sat him in there. He put a blanket over his legs and was quickly happy to be warm. I ran back to the door and there it was. I saw his outline standing by the door....Eli had locked us out. Now I was really in panic mode. I tried to get him to unlock the door he just sat down by the door and started crying. So then I tried to comfort him from outside the door. I said things like "Its ok baby. Mommy is right here please unlock the door baby" "Eli my love please open the door and mommy will give you booby" then my please escalated to "ELI mommy is cold open the door now! You were able to lock it now unlock it or you'll never see my boobs again because they'll be frozen." To my dismay neither of these approaches worked. I had no keys, no phone, and holy cow I was pantless.
Since he was busy crying I figured I would find a way in. I ran around the house checking every window. I even considered climbing my neighbors roof to check the upstairs windows. Then I remembered Zack is afraid that ninjas will break in at night, so we make sure everything is always closed and locked. Darn those ninjas. So I went back to the door the plead some more. When I crouched down I realized that he was not by the door anymore. I heard giggling and silently prayed to myself that he wasn't rubbing poop on the walls. Meanwhile Zack was in the car discovering the blinker and some toys he had been missing.
I decided to open our shutters in front of our house. If you don't know Japanese homes a lot come with large metal shutters in front of the windows to protect during typhoons. When I opened them I was relieved to see Eli sitting on the floor watching Mickey Mouse. I spent the next 45 minutes trying to convince him to unlock one of the doors, crying (me), laughing (him), and finding random objects to try and pick the locks. Turns out you can't pick certain locks. I would make a horrible criminal. In this time Eli had successfully made the house look like a tornado went through. All of their toys were thrown around the house. He found a bag of wipes (yup what I went outside for) and removed them from the packaging.
I was in the middle of putting my face and hands against the window just staring at him when I felt someone staring at me. It felt like slow motion but I turned my head to the right and there was my Japanese neighbor trying not to stare but I imagine it was hard. Remember what I was wearing? Comfort clothes....and no pants. Thankfully my flamingo nightgown is to my mid thigh. But still I'm sure he was thinking I was a very crazy American lady. We said awkward Hellos before he scurried back into his warm home. Eli now had my phone and was listening to lady gaga and dancing. For a moment I thought it was cute. Then I saw Steven was trying to call. How long had I been outside? When I checked on Zack he had buckled himself into his car seat and said he was going on a rocket ride.
At this moment in my life I felt so helpless. This little person had won the battle. He was thoroughly enjoying his poopy butt freedom to play with my phone and his big brothers toys. Just when I was getting ready to run to my neighbors house to call the police I turned around and a beautiful ray of sunshine drove up. It was a knight in shining armor coming to my rescue. It was Steven. He jumped off his noble steed and unlocked the door, swiftly changed Eli's diaper, ran me a bath, and made dinner. Or at least that's how it felt. I actually ran to his Honda made him give me his keys while he asked questions like "did zack lock you out?" "wheres Eli?" "why are you wearing your flamingo nightgown?" I unlocked the door and swooped up my baby and kissed him. I even cried because I imagined all the horrible things that could've happened to him. I changed his diaper and gave him new comfy pjs. When Steven came in with groceries which included wipes. He asked "where's Zack?" I ran outside saying "holy cow! He's in the car still!"
And that my friends is how Eli became a gremlin.
P.S. zack was only by himself in the car for 5 minutes
P.S.S. please don't ever leave your children unattended in the car ever
And
P.S.S.S. When leaving your house always bring your keys.
